Shigure's Musings
by kashudoreineko
Summary: Shigure's thoughts on himself. SPOILERS! I cannot stress this enough: SPOILERS! Don't read if you don't want to hear my musings on advanced chaps of the manga.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket or it's characters. And even though I'm trying to interpret what I think Shigure may think here, it is just MY interpretation. Please don't get bent out of shape if you disagree. Do feel free to review and tell me, but try to not be hostile. I just ignore hostile reviews. Also, be aware that this is a one shot. Just some musings on Shigure that I had.

SHIGURE'S MUSINGS.

What would they think of me if they knew who I really am? If anyone really knew me deep down.

Sometimes I think Kazuma has a clue. But then again, he truly loves Kyo. Kyo is his son. And if he knew who his son was living with, well… I don't think Kyo'd still be living here.

Hatori and Ayame know me better than most, but even they don't really know all of me. Sometimes I think they've guessed. But then again if they did, would they still call me their friend? I don't know. I don't think I would if I were them.

In fact, I'm pretty sure Ayame wouldn't. Maybe the Ayame I knew as a teen would. But he's changed. He cares more about other people now. Even though he seems self-absorbed, he's not. He genuinely cares about the people he truly loves – the people he thinks are worth his time: me, Mine, Yuki, Tohru, and Hatori.

Hatori. Now HE is a GOOD man. A very good man. He has standards. Ethics. I guess that IS mandatory to become a doctor. And if not, it probably should be. That's why I'm a writer. No Hippocratic oath. In fact, many of the most revered authors in history have been complete wastes of space in their personal life.

Don't get me wrong, though. I don't think I'm a waste of space. I'm too truly self-centered for that. I like my life. I like me – after all, I'm fun! I just do not honestly believe that other people think that if you are willing to do whatever it takes to get what you want that you could be considered worthwhile.

I mean, look at the three young ones in my charge. Anyone with eyes can see what Yuki and Kyo want. They're so obvious that they're oblivious to their transparency. But neither one of them has the strength of will to do what they would need to do to GET it.

I am the only one I know who is willing to go all the way.

Rin does try. She's cute. But she still has standards. Levels that she refuses to go to.

And that is my strength. I don't. I will do WHATEVER I need to.

My family. I wish I could say that I'm doing what I'm doing for them.

None of us want to be cursed. And since Tohru has come into our lives, it's the first time that I'm not the only one who is actively looking to try to find a way to break the curse. But I'm still the only one who wants it broken badly enough to do absolutely anything. Even…

Let's not even consider Kureno. I know he's free of the curse. But it's not really broken. Just transferred and transmuted. That's why she can talk to the birds. She took it on and freed him. And she doesn't even know how she did it.

And she… She keeps him by her. If I thought it wouldn't hinder me in breaking the curse, I'd kill him for that. But then again, no. It helps her to feel better. It helps her. I guess I have to give her that. Until I can set her free. Until…

Not that it doesn't hurt. It hurts so much. She knows that everything I do, I do for her. I need her. My God. Mine.

I HAVE to lift this curse. I WILL do whatever it takes. And I've gotten really good at playing the fool so that I can work silently to frame everything so that I CAN do what it takes. I mean, I've got Yuki and Kyo under one roof, not killing each other, and even starting to respect each other. I am a genius.

Yuki and Kyo. They so make me laugh. They think they're in love. They don't know what love is yet. When they do, I wonder if they'll run away from it? They're sweet boys, really. But when they find out the things love can make you do… It can make you happy to lose your own eye, happy to erase yourself from the one you love just to keep her safe. It can make you ask your child to sacrifice himself so that the one you love can survive. Or it can make you hurt the one you love to prove how much you love her – how much she loves you.

And they don't know how very lucky they are to be able to maintain their innocence. They're lucky to have me to help them in that. And they'll be lucky that they have me later – when inevitably they do find out who I really am. Because then, they'll have me to blame, me to hate. When I achieve my goal, even their hate will be worthwhile.

And they'll remain innocent. I'm glad of that. Maybe it's the dog in me, but I do like the thought of protecting them. Maybe there is a part of me that is doing it for my family.

But I know better than to think that's the only reason – or even the main one.

No. My purposes are selfish. I told Hatori that once, but as a good man, I don't think he really understood. And that's okay. In a way, I'm really protecting them all. Maybe that's how I live with myself. If you look at it right, I AM protecting them.

They think the world of Tohru. And I do, too. She is without a doubt, the sweetest, most selfless person I've ever known. And I know Momiji and Hatori, so that's saying something.

Part of me hopes that another way will come – so that she will remain pure. But I know better. That's not how the world works. That's not how love works. Love hurts. Love is tough. And love is willing to sacrifice. I'll try to protect her if I can, but if it comes down to Tohru or breaking the curse… Tohru, you may be my only regret.

My only regret…

I wonder if she was hurt when I slept with Ren. Did she hurt? Did I hurt her? I pray that I hurt her – because if I did, it means she loves me, too. Just like when she sleeps with Kureno, it hurts me because I love her.

I write about love all the time. Because it's the one thing I know. Love is the only thing that keeps me going. But the love I write is not like the real thing.

When I look back over my life, I know I won't regret a thing. I love her.

- End Musings -


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